PANDEMIC DIARY
WHAT ARE MEN THINKING?
May 30, 2021
Friends are coming over to the house tonight. It was time to pop into the shower. I went to my closet, plucked a pair of undershorts from the drawer and proceeded past the bed where Adele laid comfortably, ignoring me as is often the case even as I antically tossed my underpants around my back and over my head. Unable to avoid my silly performance, Adele shook her head in absolute incredulity at my one-man; one-ring circus routine while I responded with my look of incomprehensibility at her dismayed amazement. It made me wonder what men do that women would never think of doing. And why? I will deal with that answer following the list. Here are eight suggestions that come to mind quickly.
The aforementioned tossing of underpants over your head or around your back.
Sticking protuberant objects in your nostrils for affect.
Wearing only a hat around the house butt naked.
Throwing food in the air attempting to catch the morsel in your mouth.
Sneaking food from someone else’s plate.
Daddy jokes about any and all things. (This Is clearly genetic)
Flicking the remote endlessly looking for nothing in particular.
Sticking your hand in your pants to scratch your ass.
Wanting to be left alone when you have a problem.
Wanting to be left alone when your wife has a problem.
Then I thought of this minister drawn from memory - I don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Life and marriage in all their glory are fully explained and comically delivered by the Preacher, yes, Preacher Mark Gungor of Gracepoint Church. [If the video is not embedded you can see this truly funny and hysterically identifiable routine via: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTPUhMdfvzw] Also, if you don’t want to sit through the whole performance, just go to Youtube and you will see versions pulled from this and other of his seminars that are shorter.
Here is the answer to the question, “Why do men perform, maybe act like clowns, or put themselves in silly, childish, and apparently frivolous and empty-headed positions that baffle their wives? The answer is: MEN WISH TO PLEASE!
They are out there all day hunting and gathering and when they come home they want to be greeted by an admiring audience of one. Men will attempt to get a smile out of you at any and all cost. They want you to SMILE. Laughter may be expecting too much. But, in our hearts…our heart of hearts…is the desire to please. And, we will go to any extent to do that. We will put down our spear, remove our loin cloth, and dance around the camp fire while burning our feet on the hot embers, just to get you gals to be pleased and happy.
Having said all this, of course, we cannot admit to any of it. We will deny, deny, deny to our death that we are anything but muscle-bound, aggressive, “I can’t wait for the next fight”, “Have one on me” ‘good-ole boys’. That’s why we get tattoos, carry guns and are casually abusive idiots. Our true nature is abhorrent to us. What kind of pansy lets his dingle dangle, dancing around like a ridiculous grade-school wallflower to please his wife? NOT ME!
YES, ME! We are so good and caring we literally can’t stand ourselves. That’s why we have such a difficult time, as an example, carrying a bunch of roses. Have you seen a man carrying flowers for his wife? He looks like he’s toting fifty pounds of just made soft dough - fidgeting and balancing - all so that his manly appearance is not forsaken.
You know the famous saying: K.I.S.S.? I once saw a man with a tee shirt that said: KEEP IT STUPID SIMPLE. Yes, men get it backwards sometimes. But, it’s the effort that counts. Men keep trying. Admittedly, their antics go to extremes, like the guy who wanted to do yard work for his wife and attempted to start his power saw by putting it between his legs and pulling the cord. God knows we try.
So, I ask you, next time your man appears with whipped cream on his chest nipples, or wearing his pants backwards, or if he puts Chinese hot sauce on your peanut butter sandwich, please forgive him and remember, above all else, that this is man at his best.
Some fabulous quotes from commiserating women I have known:
“You are like a fine wine. I want to stomp on you and keep you in the dark until you mature”.
”If it weren’t for sarcasm, how could I possibly express myself in a non-threatening manner”?
”My ‘alone time’ is for everyone’s safety”.
NOTE TO SELF: “You cannot stab a man for being stupid”.
”Sometimes all it takes being with you is a positive attitude…and a knife”.
”No issues today: I’m in my awesome bubble, and you’re not allowed inside”.
”Be careful who you trust. Salt and arsenic look the same”.
”People say I act like I don’t care about you. It’s not an act”.
”I wish my life had background music so I could know what the hell is going on with you”.