PANDEMIC DIARY

Indisputably, Unavoidably, Inescapably White

August 17, 2020

When Alex was a child we were aware that despite the fact that we were not wealthy, his middle-class upbringing was a kind of privileged existence. We did not indulge him. However, a life without, (how can I describe it?) ‘a baseline level of struggle’ creates unconscious assumptions that all things just come to you. If not corrected, those assumptions can easily turn into ‘expectations’. And, you know the saying, “Happiness is inversely related to expectations”. So, Adele and I would make specific efforts to teach Alex about the larger story occurring elsewhere in his world. While walking in New York City, upon seeing a homeless person, we offered to buy him/her a sandwich and had Alex hand the food to the individual. We talked about charities and the services they performed. He saved his allowance to make voluntary donations.

However, it wasn’t until the publication of the book “Between The World and Me” by Tae Nihisi Coates, that I began to think about my “whiteness” as a totally prevailing assumption around which are built a series of completely internalized presuppositions. At that moment, I literally feared for my failure of consciousness. Whites have literally shielded themselves in an invisible and invincible “Whites Only Gated Community”. How can we alter society’s assumptions if they are so ingrained and represent the height of entitlement? And, as stated in a previous blog post, “the greatest fear of humankind is the fear of losing what you already have'“. If your life’s cornerstone is a postulate so deeply inbred and fixed that it has never been questioned (and certainly not doubted or disputed) then how does it get changed?

In order to self-educate myself, I decided to make a list of my predicates as they related to my whiteness.

Have any of your own?

Because I am white:
— I grew up never fearing for my life.
— I grew up never fearing who was walking on my side of the street.
— I never grew up fearing my friend was carrying a gun or a knife.
— I grew up never fearing my father would beat me for talking with a black woman.
— I grew up never fearing my mother would attend my funeral.
— I grew up never fearing Blacks, or Hispanics, or Asians…or other White folks.
— I grew up never fearing that I was not polite enough.
— I grew up never fearing looking someone else in the eyes.
— I grew up never fearing that someone wanted to control me…or had control of me.
— I grew up never fearing that my body would be either destroyed or taken from me.
— I never grew up fearing law enforcement.
— I grew up never fearing that I could be shot or hanged or incarcerated for being white.
— I grew up never fearing where my next meal was coming from or if I would have a next meal.
— I grew up never fearing that I was too white or not white enough.
— I grew up never fearing harm if I didn’t say “Sir” or “Ma’am”
— I grew up never fearing that I was not dominant in this culture.
— I grew up never fearing that the only work I could do was as a ‘bootblack’ or as a fast-food worker.
— I grew up never fearing (or knowing of) a ‘drive-by’ shooting.
— I grew up never fearing that I evoked fear in others.
— I grew up never fearing that my hair was too straight or that my “pompadour” was too White.

After making this list, I realized that I actually did grow up fearing that my nose was too long and identified me as Jewish. That did get me into trouble. I was called “banana nose” in grade school; “hook nose” in Junior High School; and, “dirty Jew” in High School. It is evident how the level of sophistication changed the older I got. LOL But, not the stupidity of it all. As a Jew growing up in the Bronx in a predominantly Irish Catholic neighborhood, the prevailing belief (and teaching of the church) was that the Jews killed Christ. We were not infrequently the targets of Christian youths’ sense of retribution for said killing. I think that’s how it is I became a star receiver on the football team, because I learned to feign and parry while running full speed away from my oppressors.

Through it all, I never felt ashamed of being either white or Jewish. I never felt that society as a whole diminished the essence of my being. I never questioned my place in the world. I never doubted there was an end to this childishness. I was not traumatized by the slights. No one I knew was ever sliced with a knife. No one I ever knew was shot and killed. Although, I remember Stephen Rosenberg died of an overdose. He was 15 years old at the time. This was my first exposure to drug use. No one I knew was restricted from living where they wanted. No one I knew was told they weren’t bright enough or not college material. I was a member of a singing group that was made up of three black friends and myself.

Assumptions can easily become expectations that rule our belief systems and fixate people on hate and blame without ever giving consideration to what the other person is feeling and what hurdles and burdens those attitudes place upon other human beings. Whites have been given an undeserved pass in life. We need to awaken to this fact and restore the balance of justice and equality every human being deserves as a birthright.