PANDEMIC DIARY

IS ABNORMAL NORMAL?

AUGUST 24, 2020

“If I could have
Two things in one:
The peace of the grave;
And the light of the sun”
from “Moriturus”, Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1928

One of my favorite poets, and certainly one of the greatest couplets in written history.

The reason this simply perfect verse of universal lamentation came to mind is because of (and not by way of literary comparison) the last fitful nights:

Last night, I didn't get to sleep at all, no, no
I lay awake and watched until the morning light
Washed away the darkness of the lonely night
And, last night I didn’t get to sleep, didn’t get to sleep at all”
written by Tony McCaulay, and performed by The Fifth Dimension

Has anyone else been sleeping erratically…or not sleeping? I am well. My knee is healing. I am in generally excellent health. What exactly is going on? Adele is well. Alex is well. Then, Adele reports that she has not been sleeping regularly. Alex mentions that he has been up at night. Yesterday, I met with a friend and he communicated that he has experienced “slumber-interruptus”. Seriously, what the hell is happening? Is it malaise? Is it societal? Are right-wing conservatives sleeping? Are Evangelicals convulsive?

Two weeks ago, Adele and I were sitting on the porch having our coffee, when at approximately 8:30 AM we felt a rumble, as if a giant backhoe were moving earth underneath the house. It lasted for maybe 10 seconds. We glanced at one another with curious grins, “I dunno”. It wasn’t until later that morning that we heard of the earthquake originating near Sparta, North Carolina. I am reminded of this due to the upset I am feeling. It is not blinding fear or despair. It is, though, disquieting, disturbing and uneasy making.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”
Stephen Chbosky, “The Perks of Being A Wallflower”

What is happening to our world? Is this a human inevitability? To self-destruct? [I will be writing about this at a future date.] Am I overreacting? Is there solace or consolation in today’s turmoil? I am glad that I do not have young children with whom I may have unwittingly shared these silent concerns by my unspoken turbulence. Are we reaching an absolute nexus where we either change or suffer dire consequences? What I do know is this: that it is not egoism for me to believe in myself, care for myself and trust and admire myself; it is a necessary precursor to self-fulfillment through which change occurs. I wish only to be a model for that change.

Embrace yourself today.

Love to all.