PANDEMIC DIARY

PIECES OF A MARRIAGE
February 15, 2021

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Adele and I exchanged Valentine’s Day cards. I thanked Adele for ‘seeing’ me; Adele thanked me for my patience. In my card was written, “I couldn’t ask for anything better than loving and being loved by you”. Adele’s card read, “I couldn’t ask for a better man to share this amazing adventure with.” These sentiments, however truly felt and experienced, overlook (intentionally so for this occasion) exactly what goes in to making a marriage work. In every marriage each party endures. Marriage endures. In this Sunday’s New York Times, under the caption of '“Modern Love” was an article by Michelle White in which she describes a time during the pressures of the Covid pandemic when her husband felt he could no longer take it and “packed a suitcase and a brown paper bag of food and moved into an Airbnb some two miles away.” She describes how her “quarter-century-long marriage was faltering”. Remember, this column is called Modern Love. And, so, to absolve you of any projection and pain I will tell you at the outset that on Day 109 after Jason, her husband left, they had resolved their issues and were reunited in their home.

“We had stood on the edge, teetered and stumbled. When he had wanted to jump, I’d pull him back. When I stepped forward, he grabbed me. Ultimately, we held hands, each keeping the other from falling until we could turn around and choose each other again. We have learned enough to know that the cliff is always there, and that to love is to choose and keep choosing.”

Each morning Adele and I select some classical music piece to listen to while we have coffee, do the puzzles, read the paper and latest news, etc. Yesterday, I came across the album from the movie “Pieces of a Woman”, music composed by genius Howard Shore, who composed the music for The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. The music is stunning: romantic, melodic, turbulent, pensive and moving. Its highs and lows, its ins and outs reminded me, on this Valentine’s Day, of all that we in love go through to preserve and hold onto that love.

Love is never a straight line. (Neither does a straight line exist in nature) It’s not a direct flight with no stopovers. Marriage is never easy even as it is rewarding; never the same and never predictable. And, clearly, even though we may be at it for a long time, it takes work until the end. It takes ‘seeing’ the other person, as well as patience. As Adele said, many years ago, “Commitment is its own reward”. We have to be willing to choose that each day.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL