PANDEMIC DIARY
A ‘Schmear’ of Trump
August 22, 2020
“The goddam New York City elites, they add capers, garlic and sun dried tomatoes to their cream cheese and think their God’s gift. If you elect them I promise you that you will have to search far and wide to find just plain cream cheese.”
"I mean, the way our country's run, if it doesn't happen to be me that wins, you know what's going to happen? They are going to import walnuts from Iran, crush them, and put them in your cream cheese and you will never know that the Americans are making Iranians wealthy from walnuts”.
“26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military-only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put chocolate & cashews together?” You know what chocolate does to women. Then put it on a schmear and the whole thing becomes totally unpredictable”.
“I have a great relationship with the blacks currants. I've always had a great relationship with the black currants. In fact, I prefer them to red currants. If they really look closely, that is if they are interested, but who knows, they will see that no one has done more for black currants. And, now they are all over the place…even in cream cheese.”
"Thousands and thousands of people were cheering when they took the strawberries out of the cream cheese. Yes. I watched when the World Strawberry Center advocated for strawberries in cream cheese. I, personally, don’t like fruit in my cream cheese. But, these strawberry haters cheered as the strawberries came tumbling out of the cream cheese. Disgusting!”
“I just think that we are now, we are going to start the process of denuclearization of North Korea, and I believe that he’s going back and will start it virtually immediately to remove the Kimchee from the cream cheese. Can you believe, I heard it say that Kimchee Cream Cheese is most popular in North Korea. However, in exchange for stopping the war games [with South Korea] which will save us a tremendous amount of money. It is very provocative. Americans can now be saved from a rash of Kimchee Cream Cheese imports. So its a fair deal.”
“She had the little bits of carrot; she had the right amount of celery; she had lovely chives. I love her chives. Add to that slivers of the smooth skin of a tomato. Ooh La La!, she had put everything – the whole thing - in that cream cheese. I call it “Chunky Cream Cheese” because you can bite on it and hear the crunch but it still schmears on the bagel” At first, I thought the whole idea was crazy. But, I wouldn’t pass it up if it knocked on my hotel door and stayed for the evening.”
“She gets out and she starts asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions. Do you prefer peanut butter in your cream cheese? Have you ever used vanilla and almond extract in your schmear? Totally inappropriate. She had nice attributes.Don’t get me wrong. I liked her attributes. I appreciate when women attribute their attributes. That’s an attribution I can readily make. But, then you could see blood coming out of her, well you know…wherever…her eyes. In my opinion, she was off base. Too sweet for her own good. Give me a natural tasting cream cheese.”
“If Ivanka liked pickled squid ink cream cheese, I would eat it. And, if she weren’t my daughter I would share the bagel with her. I’d eat every part of it including the hole. But, she’s my daughter so all you people who think you know better because you’re in the m-e-d-i-a will judge me because when I think of Ivanka, I think of a thick schmear. Just lay it on. But, Jared’s a decent guy. I gotta tell you though, thinking about him schmearing my daughter. What’y’a gonna do? It is what it is.