PANDEMIC DIARY
A “HALLMARK” COVID
May 14, 2022
I tested positive for Covid this past Wednesday. For the three or so days prior I had been hacking, sneezing and wheezing. The Spring has been so fraught with allergies that I simply attributed my condition to the cruelties of changing seasons. On Wednesday I felt woozy. So much so that by afternoon it did not seem rash or over reactive to administer a home test that culminated in the pink line and not blue. (Odd that I associate pink with roses and toddlers. Most certainly not disease indicators. I’m thinking battle gray would be a more appropriate, if not ominous color to indicate what would in store for the next few days.) Adele jumped into executive function mode. I was sent upstairs like a misbehaving preschooler who was given a time-out.
“Stay in the room”
”Don’t come out of your room”
”If you need to come out of the room, wear your mask.”
”Don’t come out of your room”
”If you need something, I will get it for you.”
”Stay in the room”
I said that I felt woozy. In retrospect, it likely was the “brain fog” that has so often been described. Brain fog, not that I’m an expert, is a sort of combined breakfast plate of mild dizziness, lightheadedness, and a growing inclination towards, “I don’t give a fuck…my hair hurts.” Its mental mush, like cranial oatmeal. In this state of emotional desolation one may acquire a propensity for sentimentality and the banal. In the rarely utilized bedroom belonging to Alex, now converted into containment center, I inhale the ether of resignation. Unable to focus or concentrate, I relinquished all efforts at normal internal discourse. This miasma of self-pity was elevated to the point of having to supplant any empathy I might have had for my circumstance with the convenience of televised artifice.
I didn’t have the intention of watching the Hallmark Channel. I never have before. But, as I was scrolling the channels I saw a movie titled, “Paris, Wine & Romance”. It was starting in two minutes. What the hell! I love Paris, I love wine, and I need a little romance to quell the inexplicable longing I’m feeling. Maybe a cinematic coddling would do the trick.
“Paris, Wine & Romance” turned out to be like a two-hour long slog of a Barry Manilow song - commonplace, formulaic, and totally predictable. Did I change the channel? NO. I watched it to the bloody end. The handsome French winemaker of award-winning Burgundy wines (Jacques), falls in love with a gal (Isabella), from Oregon whose Pinot Noir earns a Silver Medal to Jacques’ Gold in a competition. The ending was a turn on the phrase, ‘He shows up on her doorstep’ to “He lights up her wine vats”.
I felt like I had raw string beans for dinner. You know you ate something because you chewed and have something stuck between your teeth, but are still starving for more substance. The Hallmark Channel seems to offer what need a romance novel fills without the ‘skin’ and writhing. And, without so many words. No analysis of character. People just show up. Anywhere. Anytime. Love is the common inevitable insertion. No difference between the movies. Simply a change in locale and accents. It reminds me of improvisational theater. Your sitting in the audience and the performers asks, “What is the most unlikely of places you can think of to fall in love.” Excitedly, members of the audience throw out the most implausible of scenarios: “Bumping into each other outside adjoining Port a Pottys”; “Meeting the caretaker of your invalid mother”; “Having the waiter spill Escargots on your dress”. No problem. He wears a colostomy bag and she suffers from Krone’s Disease. The caretaker is Premed while he is finishing his degree in Geriatrics. The waiter invites the lady to his home for dinner so she can pour Champagne down his pant leg. It always works out in the end.
It is certainly understandable that “happy endings” have a place in the world of film. However, It is one thing to portray a ‘normal’ story, both linear and mundane. But, normal is never without nuance and complexity. To leave that out is an insult to the viewer. And, life will never be less complex than it is now. I wondered who is the audience for this boilerplate corn? What is it they derive from digesting that the world is easy and not complicated. Personally, I am always suspect when things are purported to be easy. Ease can never be a goal. It is a state of being that reflects one’s comportment with reality. It is an indicator that you are in sync with your life.
So, there it is…I made judgments regarding the viewership of The Hallmark Channel. They would be more isolated from society, have more insular ideas (Conservative) about right and wrong. They would not be a diverse community having common views on politics, religion, social mores and, in general, be less tolerant. I, further, presumed, that Hallmark’s viewership would find solace in the plainly presented depiction of family values as they perceived them to be.
Sadly, I could not have been more right. First, I researched the popularity of viewership to determine if Hallmark was a serious player in cable television. What I discovered shocked me.
(from a cable rating site) ‘Riding high on the overwhelming popularity of the highly successful holiday programming, Hallmark finished the fourth quarter of 2020 as the most-watched entertainment cable network among Women 18+ years for the seventh year in a row. In Saturday primetime, the channel is the highest-rated of all broadcast and cable networks among the same demographic. Overall, Hallmark Channel regularly ranks as one of cable’s most-watched entertainment networks in primetime and total day ratings.
Then I scratched a little deeper to read viewer comments to get a sense of who watches Hallmark. (Please note that I did not cherry-pick these comments to benefit my argument. These quotes are in order from the most recent back and are not edited.)
May 12, Anonymous “I love how Hallmark does absolutely nothing to anyone with hatred towards Christians…”
What did they mean by this? Other comments answered that question:
May 8, Diane “ I am seeking another family-oriented channel for programming now. I am saddened by Hallmark’s disregard for us who wish to view family TV without having gay themes shoved down our throats.”
May 2, Julie “I love seeing the ratings each week go lower and lower for Hallmark. They are forgetting the fans who have been with them since the start…The continuing of casting Gay characters in every movie and having them kiss in every movie is getting a bit much.”
I love this one:
May 7, Liz “Hallmark USED TO STAND FOR FAMILY, QUALITY AND HOPE. The new WOKE themes DESTROY FAMILY.”
Really? And, finally Susie tells us what to do:
Mar. 26 “Let us pray for those actors who have faith in God to know how to navigate the current direction of Hallmark.
Far be it for me to draw a direct line between these criticisms, the viewers who wrote them and Nazi Germany. But, here it is all laid out like thousands of domino pieces that are aligned in a pattern, side by side, just waiting for someone to take the one step and tip the first piece that will cause a chain reaction that will tumble the whole structure. These same people who decry Islam, hate Muslims, believe in conspiracies, in the guise of family values and religious beliefs and personal irritabilities are more than willing to take their case to the court of authoritarians and dictators.
They are truly American Taliban with as much fervor, fever and fanaticism as those they despise. Except they carry the burden of the Cross as opposed to the Crescent and Star. They believe that they are the chosen. And, as a Jew, I certainly know has that’s worked out for us.
This argument is a generalization, of course. It does not apply to the whole of Hallmarks’ viewers. However, I went deep into the comments section and did not find one individual who praised the channel for its bravery, or fair representation or simply acceptance of those persons previously excluded from society. Hallmark was not applauded or lauded. No praise. No accolades. Just scorn. These comments reflect a complete absence of personal and societal self-awareness and yes, sophistication, as exposure to the world around you. The message to me was clear and not cloaked. “We wish to live in our bubble. We will support anyone who substantiates this fantasy.
If this fantasy becomes a reality, we are all in serious trouble.