PANDEMIC DIARY

WHY DO I WRITE?
May 27, 2021

Three years ago, I took a writing course with Julia Green at the Carrboro Arts Center. Julia is terrific - a teacher, novelist, short story writer, and even a bit of a raconteur. Plus, she knows how to teach and provide instruction.

Over the years, I have developed a style of writing that, I believe, can be likened to a bad golf swing. Developed over years of non-instruction, I was always innately talented enough to surpass some one person in a foursome, but never a handicapped golfer despite my natural abilities. It is clear to me that as it was in golf, it is in writing. I have not been totally dedicated to the cause of either, therefore, never able to claim the moniker or byline: ‘golfer’ or ‘writer’.

Last week, Julia popped an email into my inbox (along with her sizable mailing list) to invite me to a summer writing course. I mulled this over, testifying in my head to all the reasons this would not work over the course of six weeks of summer. After all, Adele and I are leaving on June 26 for all points north. We will be with our friends much of the time. We will be hiking. I will be cooking. Blah. Blah. Blah. I cannot, for the life of me, shut my fucking brain prattle.

I signed up for the course. I could not stand listening to myself for another moment. The utter bullshit my brain produces is absolutely heroic…and no less annoying, like that Pileated Woodpecker that is fond of a tree right outside our screened-in porch. Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck! Then follows an hysterical cackling sound as if The Joker was a mad, laughing female opera singer escapee from The Cuckoo’s Nest. Cackle, cackle, cackle.

It’s not polite to lay this on my friends, but I thought you may find this therapeutic. I discovered I am on the spectrum, the Asperger’s spectrum, a couple of years ago. Mildly so. It has to do with what is identified as low Executive Function. Too late to really do anything about it. There was no such syndrome when I was growing up, so I was left thinking I was ‘not working hard enough’. My parents told me I was lazy. “You have so much potential”. Can you imagine all the kids out there suffering and believing that all it takes is to ‘try harder’.

Writing permits me to work at my own pace. Some days on and some off. If I need to get up and do something else, I simply get off my ass and move around. I remember when Alex was 4 1/2 years old, we brought him for a neuro-psych evaluation. During the exam, which was about 4 1/2 hours long, Alex asked the tester to stop. Alex got out of his chair and started doing jumping jacks. Afterwards, the psychologist told us the story saying that Alex was the first patient that he ever worked with who interrupted the exam to release his energy. He thought it was quite remarkable and commended Alex. Until my diagnosis, I had never really given much consideration to that incident. The son does not fall far from the parent.

The blog I write is a perfect match for my ‘special’ mind. Mel Levine, a Doctor of Pediatrics and x-Professor at The University of North Carolina wrote a breakthrough book called “All Kinds Of Minds”, which became a non-profit institute, in which he describes the numerous and different modalities of the brain. He exhorts us to realize the multitude of ways in which the mind works and unless we adapt to each individual we shackle that child with the unintended and unachievable task of having to navigate a world in which education is taught in a singlular modality that suits a particular type of young person but is denying a majority of children the opportunity to learn, flourish and succeed.

In the 4th grade, my school went on a class trip to, if I remember correctly, The Museum of Natural History in New York City. We lived in the Bronx, so we were to take a subway downtown. On the way we passed an Italian bakery which was famed for its Italian Gelato. So, I snuck off line, avoiding all eyes, and went inside the shop and ordered a gelato which was scooped into these soft, squeezable paper cups. Meanwhile, the teachers took a count of their students and realized one child was missing. They searched for me up and down the block without any luck until I exited the store with my gelato. I was a ‘pissah’.

By the way, I ordered a flavor called “Lily with Nuts”. This flavor never existed anywhere else. Then, years later, out of sheer curiosity, I looked up this flavor and lo’ and behold I found a posting in 2015 in which a woman asked a question on ‘reddit’, “In the Bronx borough of NY there is a section that makes an Italian ice flavor (Its a creme ice) called Lily with nuts. My family is addicted to the stuff and I want to replicate it. It has slivers of almonds and tastes of spices like cinnamon or nutmeg. I can't figure it out. Has anyone ever heard of anything like this and if so does anyone have a recipe? You would be a hero to my entire extended family!!!!! This is my white whale!”
An answer came back, "One of the more unusual flavors, lily with nuts, is a Bronx invention of vanilla, rum and slivered almonds”.
That’s it. That’s the taste. I could really go for a lick of that right now. By the way, the Italian Bakery was on Castle Hill Avenue in the Bronx.