PANDEMIC DIARY

GRIEF

July 22, 2020

Grief, a bygone song:
Words long ago forgotten;
Melodies linger.
a Haiku by David Roth

Each day, at day’s beginning, I awake, my core intact, and, like an arrow piercing my heart, I am suddenly struck by a reality I wish to shelter myself from. Have you ever noticed that pictures of people grieving inevitably depict a person either bent over; laying in fetal position; holding their heads down; covering their eyes; or, generally, what I would suggest, are acts of ‘shielding’ themselves. We want to cocoon ourselves, cover up and go away, even blind ourselves to what, in that moment, is too horrible to bare, too painful and emotionally overwhelming. But, do not be sad.

There is a distinction between sadness and grief: (my definitions)
sadness: the loss of something you never had.
grief: the feeling of affliction or real loss

In other words, grief is an actual experience of loss; sadness is the filling of mental space with notions of longing for what was never there. You cannot lose what you never had. Likewise, you cannot grieve for what never was.

“The archaeology of grief is not ordered. It is more like earth under a spade, turning up things you had forgotten. Surprising things come to light: not simply memories, but states of mind, emotions, older ways of seeing the world.”
Helen Macdonald, “H is for Hawk”

Last night, Adele and I were one of several hosts for a gathering of over one hundred people meeting on Zoom, for the monthly gathering of 31st St. Swing Left. An incredibly effective non-profit working on behalf of local Democratic candidates throughout the country, 31st St. Swing Left has exceptional success since 2017 in getting elected over 70% of its candidates, all of whom are women or minority candidates. The reason I bring this up is because everyone on the call is grieving. They are grieving the loss of values, the evident corruption and cruelty, and the threat to our democracy. They are grieving…but they are not sad. They are not sad because the concerns are real, they are occurring, and because you can grieve and act effectively at the same time. Our anger is righteous and not blinding us to the work that must be done.

We can all grieve and work for something better.